Sunday, November 16, 2014

Call 1-800-Don't-Sell

I had an epiphany today.  Very similar to the one I had over the summer when I compared my realization that the stock market doesn't go down anymore to being saved by Jesus.  For you see, I have sinned and lost my way.  When the markets had what now appears to be a tiny blip of selling in October, I believed it was possible for it to keep going down after we bounced and believing that was even a possibility has caused a great deal of exile and punishment.  So I would like to publicly say to the Fed that I am sorry.

It was the first time I awoke to the reality that stocks don't go down anymore and I fell off the wagon.  I have since joined Equities Anonymous and I'm currently working the program.  I have confessed.  I have done my penance.  Please forgive me.  I promise to never think stocks can go down again.   Please let my transgression serve as a warning to any of the non-believers among us.  If you want to make money in the stock market you hit the buy button.  You do not use a stop loss.  In fact, you no longer need the sell button at all.  If the market goes toward the bottom half of the screen, you buy it again.  Anyone who tells you there is even a remote possibility of the market going down should be publicly shamed.  Repent of your ways or be forsaken!  The new Ice Bucket Challenge is dumping ice water on anyone who claims such nonsense.  Forget your historical reference points.  Forget value, and fundamentals.  Close your charts and just buy.   From now on there are several words that need to be banished from your vocabulary: Down.  Sell.  Reversion.  Dip. Short. Pullback. Volatility.  Retracement.  

If you have trouble adjusting to the reality that the machines have taken over, there is help for you.  Call 1-800-DON'T-SELL, or our sister station at 1-800-JUST-BUY for more information.  We are here for you.  You can do this.  We heart you.